The True Confessions of a Mary Sue Writer
by Fionny
Summary: What -does- go through the minds of those rabid LotR writers as they write their horrendous Mary Sues?
1. Default Chapter

Dear Diary, 

I just saw the greatest movie ever. It was about this ring, and these little people, and this really hot, incredibly gorgeous GOD of a man named Legolas Greenleaf. He's got long, satin blonde hair and his eyes are pools of darkness. 

You know what sucked about the movie, though? They gave this other, -older- guy the love interest. Not that Liv Tyler was good enough for Legolas, but couldn't the writers see that Arwen wouldn't fall for Aragorn, a -mortal-, when there was an incredibly hot elven immortal around. Sheesh, think it through people. 

Anyway, about five minutes after his first closeup, this idea for a fic just popped into my head. You see, it's about this girl called Melda (that means beloved in Quenya - I looked it up). NO! I'll call her Lin (means Melody, plus it sounds like my name). Legolas will nickname her Melda. 

You see, she's going to be beautiful. Really beautiful. With cascades of silver blonde curls that trail past her shoulders. No, past her waist! 

And her eyes are indigo. Not blue, not violet, INDIGO. With wine colored rims. 

Her face is regal, her skin is creamy - Legolas won't know what hit him. 

He'll find her so attractive that he falls in love with her the moment their eyes meet. Not the moment he sees her, that's stupid. No one falls in love at first sight. 

But when he looks into the depths of her indigo eyes, he'll see straight into her heart. Their souls will touch. 

I am going to read the books first, to give my writings EXTRA oomphf. 

More on this later, I gotta go set the VCR to tape TRL. Nick Carter's on. 

Namari' (that's elvish for Farewell!!),

Lynn 

Dear Diary, 

Damn, these books are long. And boring. They don't even make cliffnotes. But at the back of the third one I found a timeline, so I just read that. Gotta go write now. 

Namari',

Lynn 

Dear Diary, 

Huh. I wonder what the elvish word for Diary is. I'll look it up later. 

Anyway, I've been writing the story. It's 11 chapters and 7542 words already! Wow, that's long. 

I put it up on fanfiction.net with my BSB and X-Men evolution fics two hours ago. 

Guess what? Somebody already reviewed it! They said I'm creative and that Lin is such a well thought out character, even if they are a bit jealous that she's so pretty! They said that plot was fascinating. I've been worried about the plot. I thought people might not like Lin killing Boromir when he refused to give the ring to Frodo. 

I'm not sure how I should continue the story. Lin's already defeated all the orcs that tried to kidnap Merry and Pippin while Aragorn, Gimli, and the other hobbits slept. Legolas tried to help her, of course, but he tripped on a tree root and then got shot with an arrow. She's the daughter of Tom Bombadil and Galadriel, so she healed him up quick. But then there was this really teary scene about how she can't let him be endangered anymore, so she and Frodo will strike out alone. Frodo trusts her, because she inherited her dad's immunity to the ring. 

I'm really proud of that scene. It's just so tragic and sad. I cried when I wrote it. It just twisted my heart into knots. 

I bought NSYNC candy hearts on the way home from school today. I'm eating Justin! *giggle* 

Namari',

Lynn 

Dear Diary, 

I'm not supposed to be writing this. I'm in sixth period religion right now. I went to the computer lab and checked my reviews during lunch last period - "Immortal Hearts Can Be Broken" has 23 reviews! I didn't get the chance to read them all, but I'm sure they all adore me. 

I've started signing all my papers as Lin. It's just a more refined spelling. 

Namari',

Lin 

Dear Diary,

I've been flamed! Flamed! ME! I got home and checked my story and I was like, wow, 34 reviews. Then I read them and 12 of them were flames! Of course, I deleted them. They were obviously just jealous that I wrote such a great story and the Lin's the perfect LotR character. 

I have an idea for the next few chapters. I think I'll have Lin use her healing powers on Gollum, to turn him back into the hobbitlike thing he used to be. Then, I'll have Legolas talk about how great his girlfriend Lin is to Eomer, but Eomer will already be engaged to Lin at birth. Legolas will be hurt of course, but it gives Lin a darker past. See, her parents were cruel and were going to force her into it...you'll see. 

Oooh, they just really made me mad though. One was accusing me of putting myself into the fic, that Lin was me! 

Namari',

Lin 


	2. Part Deux: Return of the Twinkie

Dear Diary, 

Still being flamed. I've got a new thing now. Every time I get a flame, I add that person to my list. I post the lists to ff.net in sets of ten. I mock their pitiful attempts at stories by MSTing them just like they do mine. Only instead of that goober Joel, or even worse Mike. Who names their character Mike? It's so uncreative. Names should be unique and creative. 

Like Lin. That's such a cool name. 

The story's going great, by the way. Lin, Sam, Frodo, and Ahyan' (that's the new name Lin gave Gollum, it means "Changed) are about halfway to Mount Doom. Legolas almost killed Eomer in a jealous rage, until Eowyn stepped between them and took the arrow in her own heart. Legolas didn't have the heart to kill him after that. 

Orlando Bloom hasn't answered any of my mail yet. 

Namari',

Lin 

Dear Diary,

It's lunchtime. I had some wicked early morning inspiration. So Lin was saving Frodo and the others hobbits from certain death in Shelob's lair right? After she slayed the spider with nothing but a fistful of ash and some lembas, she was missing Legolas really bad. So while the hobbits rested (elves don't need sleep!), she wandered around singing "I Swear" to herself. Ancient, I know, but it's great because Sam wakes up and she tells him it's an ancient, traditional love song. 

The best part was, the wind catches her voice, fairest voice among all elves, and takes it across the mountains to Rohan. Legolas hears it and sings back to her. And then the wind takes his voice back to her, and their love is strengthened. So touching, I know. 

Of course, she doesn't know about Legolas killing her best friend Eowyn yet. Conflict! 

Namari',

Lin 

Dear Diary,

Got another flame. This one wondered why I haven't brought back Gandalf yet. The reason? He'd still Lin's spotlight, and who wants to read about an old fart anyway? 

Lin's so much more interesting. See, biologically, she's Galadriel's and Bombadil's son, but Goldberry and Celeborn can never find out about their spouses' trist, so she was raised in the house Theoden. She doesn't even need encantations for magic. The magic of Middle Earth swirls around and through her. 

Anyway, I realized I left out the part about Saruman and the Ents, but it's okay, see, because it gives Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas something to do. Instead of taking the Paths of the Dead - don't worry, I won't leave them out, Lin'll use'em - the Ents will like, talk to Legolas and ask for his help in defeating those who have been cutting them down. So they like, defeated Saruman and stuck his head on a pike. Lin can't get all the glory. 

Namari',

Lin 

Dear Diary,

I just got a letter saying to stop sending correspondence to Orlando Bloom. It must be from his jealous girlfriend. She's knows she's gonna lose her man. 

Oh, chapter 26 just featured Lin saving the hobbits from captivity in the tower. She rocks. I rock.

Namari',

Lin 

Dear Diary, 

I think the story's winding to a close. Don't worry! There's going to be a sequel! 

Anyway, Lin & Co. reached the Cracks of Doom. Sam and Ahyan' were too frightened to go into the fiery caverns, so Lin (and Frodo) did it alone. She is so brave! She had to carry him, because the weight of the ring was too much for him. Then at the last minute, he tried to take the ring for his own. He was eviller than Sauron! He stood before her a powerful demigod, like Gollum had been, only to her he seemed taller than the highest Mountain. She tried to heal him, but between the Mountain crumbling and erupting and Sauron running towards her, she couldn't! She barely managed to escape the Mountain, carrying the terrified Ahyan' and Sam, as Sauron, Frodo, and the Ring were consumed by fire. 

It was so cool.

Namari',

Lin 

Dear Diary, 

Well, the story's over. I got over 100 reviews, and there's 243 jeeeeeeeealous people on my list! 

I wrapped it up by having Lin race through the Paths of the Dead, save Gondor and Theoden, talk Denethor out of the nasty murder-suicide, crown Aragorn, and marry Legolas. 

Then there was this beautiful goodbye scene between Lin and Galadriel, the mother she never knew. I got four reviews for that chapter alone! 

I've been hearing a lot about this book called the Silmarillion. 

I smell a sequel. 

Namari',

Lin 


End file.
